Needless to say, everything that I hadn't dealt with came crashing around me. The holidays were hard, I will admit it, but a few days before the scheduled date I started not sleeping, and I was a wreck. Had I admitted it to myself I would now say I was a mess since right before Thanksgiving, and my work was suffering for it. But everything came to a head on that day. It has been just over a month and I can tell you that I know in detaill the meeting with him, but not much after. I was high on emotion and I held it together till I got back to my desk and then I lost it. For 12 hours I sobbed, I went out to hang with my girl because I was afraid to be alone and couple other ppl came out to support me. I drank alot and when I say alot, even my friends were scared of how much I was drinking. And they helped me through a very rough time. I knew that it was all gonna hurt but it was a pain that I never felt before in my life.... I remember saying finally that it was really over, we were done and everything was actually over with us. That he didnt want to be with me anymore. It hurt...and I needed that day to cry. To sob my heart out and get it out.
I made a commitment that day that I would not build a wall back around it, I would feel it and deal with it no matter how painful I was gonna weather the storm...SOOO that is what I have been doing. Knowing that Valentines/Anniversary was coming yesterday I had a rough weekend, all the while getting some emails from my ex. I drank too much Saturday and made a fool of myself and disrespected my friend, because my ex emailed me and said he would appreciate it if I would quit emailing/contacting him. Funny cuz I wasn't responding to his and I wasnt initiating any. After a bit of liquid courage, before the drunken black out and disrespecting my friend, I emailed him back cuz he pushed the right button and told him that I wanted to know what imaginary world he was living in because I wasn't emailing him and I wasn't trying to contact him to make him keep thinking about me.
Sunday I went to a concert and after good times and more drinks I had the breakdown I knew was coming...A very good friend talked me through it and told me that it was time for me to cut all communication from him. She told me to block him permanently from emailing me and YIM. I know she didn't think I was going to do it, but I DID! Momentous for me... Another huge thing for me was this email to him... read away and enjoy because even I find it surprising that I handled it as well as I did and stayed on the high road:
So usually at this point the old Angel would fire back at you and make you feel like a little piece of crap for all the horrible things you did to me, all the horrible things you called me, and all the torment (verbally, emotionally, and physically) that you put me through. However, I am not that Angel anymore and I refuse to lower myself just to cut you down like you seem to never be able to stop doing. It is not a very becoming thing W, and it will hinder you from achieving certain things in life….
Ok so it is an interest statement from the IRS because they took so long to send the money to us. If one of us doesn't claim it then our taxes are wrong and could get audited. No thanks. Dealing with them once was good enough for me. I don’t want to do it again and I know you wouldn’t be able to because you seem to not know how to do anything.
W there are no tricks, no hidden agenda, nothing. Just doing what I need to do to move on and be happy...I have never been happier than right now. So many good things going on in my life. My life has a purpose again. I'm happy. And the person you knew, or thought you knew, doesn’t exist anymore. I have grown and changed so much in just a little bit over the last year, 427 days to be exact, and it’s incredible how different i am. I have a career now, can u believe it! A good one at that... I have a great condo out in C.T too, it's beautiful and huge! All redone inside and absolutely perfect. I am teaching college as well as attending one for my Masters, who woulda thought right!?! And even u giving me H has not hindered me at all, I found a WONDERFUL local support/social group that I have made some great new friends and the only things from my old life left are a few friends from my time in Germany, L, and B…everything and everyone else, including the Angel you knew or thought you knew is NO more.
I want u to be the happy. I hope you are, truly I do. I am a firm believer in a H.P., whatever name you give him, and I believe that what is meant will happen. I am meant to be in Michigan where I can do some good through work, and teaching, and even helping out with the group. I don’t think I was cut out to be married to you. I think I knew it even when we got married. But I loved you, and I always will. You will always have a special place in my heart. I tried, I really did, it just wasn’t meant. I know that. I am ok with that because I wouldn’t change a thing.
I am who I am today because of all the lessons and everything I have been through. And you were a part of it. I thank you for being a part of my life even if it was only for a couple years. Thank you for bringing me to Germany so I could see Europe, make great lifelong friends, and for letting me grow and mature while I was away from everything I knew. And thank you for being you, had you not and had you not cheated on me, then I would probably still be with you and every couple years uprooted and moved. You have taught me so many things W. Because of you I learned what I will and what I won’t put up with. I learned who I am and no one, not even you can or will ever take that away from me ever again…
You say that I am lousy, lazy, I don’t cook or clean or work out… funny because when I did cook for you, you didn’t want it and would eat cereal. When I did clean it wasn’t the right way or good enough for you. And working out wasn’t a priority to me because I was so broken down, but that isn’t the case anymore and I do work out. What you thought was lazy was a girl torn from her life and moved half way across the world to be with the man she loved, but what she found was that nothing she did or said or even tried to do was ever gonna be good enough for you. We were over before we even got a chance to start. But that is ok because like I said, what’s meant happens. We weren’t meant. Plain and simple as that….
I find it ironic that you say I am the one trying to make you think of me, but I don’t message you anymore and I don’t email you unless it was business related. And the IRS form was business related, and I only emailed you again to ask for confirmation of you getting it because you seemed to be having problems getting my email. You are the one who conveniently slips in your plans when you message me. You are the one who tells me youare coming home over 4th of July, of your plans with her and your wedding, of you going back to Europe. So am I next year, so what? Why do you feel the necessity to tell me things that are going on in your life or plans that you may have? You don’t see me telling you that I am going to Texas in May, or Vegas in September, or St. Pete’s and a cruise in November do you? I did just now but that was so I would make my point. I think it is you who thinks of me, I think it is you who wants to maintain contact with me, I think it is you who can’t let go. I have W, I let you go a long time ago. Yeah seeing you made a whole bunch of feelings come back and I had a minor setback. But it truly was minor. I am moving on with my life and I need you to do the same. I need you to stop messaging me and stop emailing me stupid messages. I am not your wife anymore, I am not part of your life anymore, nor do I want to be. So I am going to do both of us a favor. I am deleting you from my life. You are no longer going to be able to email me or message me from this point forward because I am blocking you. But before I send this once and for all, I have a few words of advice for you so that maybe this time you won’t end your relationship with her in a divorce…..
I hope that you are happy with E, I really do. I hope that you understand now that it is hard uprooting, moving, and leaving everything behind you to be with someone you love. I hope you give her the time she will need to adjust and not hold it against her if she is a little resentful at times. It is hard, harder than you will ever know. It is one thing if you are the military person making the CHOICE to move somewhere like Germany, half way across the world. But being the wife and not having that choice, and only having the choice of being with the man you love or staying and have him resent you is a very difficult choice to make. One of the hardest things I have ever done is being a military wife. It is very difficult. I know you think that we do nothing and you do all the work. But military wives run the households, they hold the fort down so to speak when you are away at war, they worry about you 24/7, are in constant fear that you won’t be returning home to them. You chose this life, they chose to marry you, but they really don’t know what they are signing up for when they say I do. So cut her some slack ok, because she is gonna need it.
Weird huh, me telling you to be nice to your soon to be new wife? Never thought that would happen. I thought I would hate you for a very long time. U were rough on me for a very long time. We had our ups and downs, more downs than ups but still, and at one time we were very happy and very much in love. Sometimes I think back to those first few months when we would lay in bed together all day or go for our Sunday drives. We were happy then. That was the W I fell in love with. The military changed that. When you came back from basic you had a taste of what your life could be and being reserved was not going to give you that life, so you went active. I was shocked when you told me, and upset that you didn’t ask my opinion. Yes it was your life and I wasn’t your wife at the time, but we were living together and trying to create a life together. And you did the same when you chose Germany. I hope that you will allow E a opinion on where your lives will take you both, because regardless of whether it is your signature on that paper, it is still her life as well and you never could understand that when you were with me.
I hope that you give her the time she needs to adjust, I hope you give her more comfort and understanding that you didn’t with me. I hope that you will be happy together. I hope that you will have the life you have always dreamed of. I know I will…..
Today is a day to remember W, today is day 427! It may be Valentine’s day, it may be what would have been our 4 yr anniversary, it may be a difficult day….but today is day 427….today I remove you and block you from my life for good. Today, day 427, I take my power, my life, and my heart back….today is day 427 and today is a GREAT day!
That was the email and the beginning of my new life....it started with a great night sleep, first in the last couple years that has happened, and I woke up this morning happy and everything was BEAUTIFUL! I have purged myself from him and I know it is going to be a very rough journey to healing, but I took my first step in healing...
